September 19, 2006 8:30 PM

An update on how school is going…

If I’m being honest, life at school is really hard and fills me with doubt on a regular basis – doubt about my ability to teach, doubt about my choice to come to Ecuador for so long, doubt about my choice to quit my job to go back to school to become a teacher. There are days (like yesterday, for example) when I have to hold back tears when I’m in front of the kids because I feel like such a failure at what I’m trying to accomplish here. I have to fight urges to give up and run home where I’m appreciated. Kids can be so mean, and although I try to rationalize their behavior and not take it personally, it’s really hard not to. It doesn’t matter that I’m 31 years old, when I’m told that life will be better after I leave, I can’t help but be hurt.

But then there are days like today – days when the kids can’t give me enough affection and hang on me not wanting me to devote my attention elsewhere. Today was a great day. We were visited by nurses from Otavalo who came to administer vaccinations to the children and their parents. So rather than try to keep the kids focused on subtraction while they were freaking out about getting shots and while their parents were all over the school, we let them have a fun day. So I became the human jungle gym to a bunch of little ones, the pusher of swings to the bigger ones, and the calmer of vaccine shots for everyone.

I’m beginning to realize that I can’t be so hard on myself and I must not take things so personally if I’m going to be successful here. I’ve set really high expectations for myself, and I think not meeting those expectations everyday has taken its toll. And it’s not that my students can’t achieve, they certainly can, but it’s unfair of me to expect change overnight. So I’m working toward more realistic expectations for myself and them, and I continue to try different approaches. As bad as some days are (and man, some are HORRIBLE), I still look forward to trying again with my kids, hoping that each day will offer me a fresh start. And I do think that my students and I are beginning to understand one another more, so that’s helping smooth things out.

So in other words, it’s all good. At least it is today